You Can't Write This Shit, Vol. I

There are things people say that no writer could ever come up with on their own.

Here are a few of the best I've heard. Some of them are hilariously offensive.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

• "I'll come up with it in a second, just gimme a minute!"
  ~ My great uncle Kenneth Von Garglefelcher



• "I don't have Asian eyes... I have human eyes."
  ~ Vajennifer Blemish, a friend of a friend



• "The only bitch I would ever hit is my mom."
  ~ My roommate Ottavio Eduardo Garbanzo St. Lollipop

Chew on those for a hot minute.