Sep 27, 2009

I Have Something To Say About Vampires

What the Hell happened?

F.W. Murnau would be so disappointed. For those who don't know, F.W. Murnau is the guy who directed Nosferatu. For those who have never heard of Nosferatu, you might want to navigate away from this page if you are easily embarassed or offended.

Moving on. This is fucking Nosferatu:

Nosferatu is a badass, and arguably the first honest-to-goodness vampire ever to appear in a film. In his day, he wasn't just a vampire, he was the vampire. He was a nigh-unstoppable force of pure evil that terrorized whole townships at a time. Not only that, but he lived in a castle. A CASTLE. He was basically the scariest shit anyone had ever seen at the time, and introduced the world of cinema to everyone's favorite bloodthirtsy desciples of Satan, the vampires.

That was 1922. It's been 87 years now, and vampires are not aging well. Say hello to the new poster boy for fictional bloodsuckers, Edward Cullen:


Edward Cullen is not a badass. He's a tool. On the supernatural creature scale, he's much closer to a fairy than a vampire. He attends high school, plays baseball, and sparkles in the sunlight. HE FUCKING SPARKLES IN THE SUNLIGHT.

My God, what have we done? The vampire has been reduced to a whiny, non-violent, vegetarian pansy who abstains from harming humans and feels sorry for itself. What happened to the whole not having a soul thing? You're supposed to be evil for fuck's sake! Relish that shit! Punt a toddler off the Hoover Dam! Systematically exterminate an ethnic group! Have premarital sex! TAKE OVER THE WORLD, YOU PUSSY!

Sigh.

It's time to abandon ship, folks. Give it a rest for a while and let evil be evil.

Show me something scary.